AURELIAN'S MOONLIGHT SONATA: octombrie 2012

Myself

“I would like to introduce myself to you. But don’t rush me. Give me time. Allow me to take it slow. I am a drug, and I can be addictive in a certain manner.”

I go by four attractive names; I am SELF-SUFFICIENCY, I am INDEPENDENCE, I am PERFECTION, and I am INTELLIGENCE (at least, that’s what I think I am). However, I shall let you into a secret, I also go by four other wretched names; I am DENIAL, I am ESCAPE, I am PRETENSION and I am WEAKNESS. How could I ever deny these truths?

I wanted reason, and I desired for chance as much. I asserted to have space, to be able to run my life the way I wanted it to be. I hated pain, I lament at suffering and I want to protect myself from getting hurt. What must I do?

“I came to my rescue. I made myself invincible. I created a world where I could navigate my fears with mastery. Rather than wait for pain to dawn on me or rather than wait to realize that people had inflicted pain on me, I have created my own pain.”

I am SELF-SUFFICIENCY, therefore, I am better off alone. Don’t make me need you. I have to keep on saying “no”. I can get by alone. I am not arrogant nor I am warding you off because you are nothing to my taste. I am warding you off, on the contrary, to save you from knowing that I need help, that sometimes I could get too overwhelmed. I could have opted to shout or to let you hear my cry, but that might make you afraid of me. I am DENIAL, I hate the thought of people leaving so I leave them before they could do that to me.

I am INDEPENDENCE. I am free. I don’t need to belong nor to get involved. I have planted a prickly thought in my head and that is, “I don’t necessarily have to make myself meddle into relationships.” People come and go. Trust is a folly. Promises are mere words deprived of action. Presence is something one can never depend on. Love appears in order to disappear later on. I amESCAPE, I don’t want to put myself to risk by trusting. I had enough of broken promises. Why should I allow a certain feeling to materialize when I know it’s bound to disintegrate? I have to keep myself away.

I am PERFECTION. I am equipped with reason. I adore logic and I understand what is hidden behind mere words and action. I understand what people want, perfectly well. But what cuts deep, is when I’m bound to understand and accept what others feel and how others perceive things at the expense of my own sentiments. I amPRETENSION, I walk upright in the guise of maturity when in fact I am already jaded—-already ready to give up. How have I longed to be understood rather than to understand.

I am INTELLIGENCE and my knowledge is stacking up. I pore on books, skim through its pages and taste every bit of wit and wonder it has to offer. I exist to live by my ideas. I am a poet, a philosopher, an artist, and a director. However, I am an idiot. I am a fool. I am somebody who praises knowledge in order to fill in the empty space I am in. I am WEAKNESS! I hate my ambivalence. I regret the fact that I rule out my emotions with what I know. I couldn’t even say that I need you or I am counting on you. I am afraid although I usually act brave.

Whatever I am in right now, I have to remain stationary. I must not move. I must stay rooted. I don’t actually care if no one feels like listening or understanding. This has been the bravest thing I’ve done.

AURELIAN'S MOONLIGHT SONATA

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